By Department of Counseling & Clinical Psychology Clinical Assistant Professor Dr. Tanisha Joshi

At the recent Oscars the world witnessed a very unfortunate event that occurred publicly between two celebrities. There are so many layers to unpack with the incident itself that despite my academic credentials, I feel ill prepared to do so. But more importantly, as a non-Black person, I don’t think my opinion on the incident itself matters at all. What I am writing to you about is the content of Will Smith’s public apology, because I believe it can serve as an example for all of us as to what a good apology should look like.

The way I see it, a good apology is made up of four R’s — Reflection, Responsibility, Recognition and Repair — and Smith’s apology includes all four components.

1. His apology demonstrates that he has without a doubt reflected on his actions. It is immaterial to me whether he did it before or after The Academy opened its investigation. I believe that reflection is welcome whenever it begins. Furthermore, it focuses on his own actions and his values, highlighting how the two are misaligned in this instance. It stresses that is not the person he strives to be — again, more evidence of the depth of reflection. He sees that, at the end of the day, he is above all most answerable to his own conscience and he has let himself down.

2. It’s not a classic “that was not my intention” or the lame “if I hurt someone, then I apologize” apology — aren’t we all too familiar with those? There is zero defensiveness in his statement — “violence in all forms is destructive” (talking about his own action) and “unacceptable & inexcusable” are the words accompanying his actions. Not once in the apology does he blame Rock or the joke for his actions. The center of responsibility is solely on his own inability “to bear” the joke and his emotional reactivity to that pain. It takes immense courage to be that vulnerable in public.

3. It actually uses the word “apologize” to the person who was most impacted by his actions — Rock — and recognizes that his actions have hurt others who expected better from him. Furthermore, he recognizes that his actions overshadowed and stole big moments from many people who were there to celebrate their own hard work and accomplishments (including himself). Ultimately, he recognizes his own humanity by calling himself a “work in progress,” reminding us that we are all striving to do our best and the best of us make mistakes we never thought we would.

4. Repair — although he did not address this in his original apology, Smith has since voluntarily resigned from The Academy, while verbalizing a willingness to accept “any consequences” from The Academy. Most importantly, he has verbalized being “committed to doing the work to ensure that (he) never again allow(s) violence to take over reason.” The Academy has responded by banning him from attending the Oscars for the next 10 years.

To provide some contrasting examples, Smith’s apology comes on the heels of Prince William expressing “profound sorrow” over slavery, without acknowledging his continued role in benefiting from the “abhorrent” system. During his recent tour of a colonized nation, where direct victims of the system asked for the apology, he couldn’t even reflect on the role his own ancestors played in creating and perpetuating the very system. It comes in a world where Andrew Cuomo denied any wrongdoing and proceeded to defend multiple incidents of sexual misconduct by highlighting how his victims had merely misunderstood his “friendly” behavior; where Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s unhinged outrage, rampant blaming of others (and notable love of beer) during hearings that assessed his ability to serve on the highest legal bench in our nation while facing a sexual assault allegation, should be understandable because he was emotional and testifying “as a son, husband and dad”; where Adrien Brody, whose ability to keep his Oscar despite assaulting Halle Berry on that very Oscar stage, never required an apology or resulted in any ban from The Academy for even one hot minute; and Trump, need I say more?

The list of terrible apologies is endless, and in this world where we have become accustomed to such non-apologies, Smith’s ability to acknowledge and take responsibility for his wrongdoing, as well as his attempts to repair the damage he has inflicted on others and himself, is undoubtedly refreshing and exemplary. I’m no one to accept or reject his apology, but I will acknowledge that it had a powerful impact on me and commanded my full respect.

• Posted By: Dr. Tanisha Joshi

Posted by: Dr. Tanisha Joshi